Tuesday, July 29, 2008

In the Event of a Zombie Emergency

The question:

Are you prepared for a zombie outbreak, or are you just going to wing it?

My answer:

I look prepared. I have the Zombie Survival Guide, I have blunt objects stashed near every window, I have my titanium helmet with padlocked chin-strap and a freezer stocked with brains that have the cunningly deceptive label of 'GENUS: HOMOSAPIEN' but it's not what you think. When the horde finally comes my neighbors will flee - to me. You see I'm already here. I'm ahead of them and I've lived/been undead long enough to use what's left of my rotting brain to cook up my own sweet plan. Humans are much tastier without adrenalin in their system and I plan to keep my snacks safe and warm until I'm ready to dine - to feast!

Till then I'll keep my distance - seemingly fragile and shy, scared of the sun burning my pale, pale skin. I'll wave when they see me. I'll hurry in sunglasses and hat between the car and the cool protection of my chilled interior, moaning my discomfort at the summer sun. Then when the sun goes down and the raid begins I'll open my doors with a welcome and beckon the survivors inside. They'll be so scared they won't notice the mortuary-grade make-up under my concerned expression. I'll defend them from my cousins until they feel safe. Safe and sweet. Then when all is quiet and the horde has moved on, I'll feast.

I always wanted to have guests for dinner.

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